To be or not to be...famous

So what's it all for?

...the thousands of dollars spent on coachings, the countless hours spent in pure terror of what may or may not lie ahead, the nervous breakdowns, the insecurity, the sacrificing of a social life, the change in diet, the hours in the gym, all the time spent preparing for 100's of jobs you'll never get, the stressed personal relationships, the second guessing, the diving into the depths of introspection, the vanity, the lonely feelings of being different from the rest of the world...?

Years go by. YEARS go by.

What's it all for?

Dave Chappelle said on Inside the Actor's Studio, "It's not about the sneaker deal. Of course the sneaker deal would be nice, but that's not why we're doin' this."

And I agree. Of course we want the sneaker deal, but we are artists. We are in this because it's what makes us happy, we have g-d given talent that we are compelled to put to use, we can't do anything else--we must entertain people.

But in today's celebrity driven culture it's difficult to maintain the balance between the pursuit of an artistic ideal and the dream of fame and fortune.

Tonight at the show I had four friends in the audience who were some of my dearest friends in high school. Despite our having spent hardly any time together since h.s., seeing them after the show, it was as if no time had passed. And on the cab ride home with one of my dearest friends since 7th grade who I really miss, we remarked how lucky we were to being to doing something with our lives that we love. He wakes up every morning happy to go to work, and I thank g-d every time I step foot on stage. As different as our lives are now, we both share that.

But other than that, our lives are so completely different.

As I sit here and think about tonight's experience, I realize that I am on a path towards fame that I don't fully understand. And somewhere along the way, i've lost a certain degree of normalcy.

And then watching Dave Chappelle on TV later, so did my wife. As we listened to Chappelle talk about the mystery of the last year of his life, we started talking about what we're doing with our lives/this business/fame. She pointed out that to a lot of people, we're already famous. What? I was dumbfounded. Famous? I'm so not famous? I'm an actor fortunate to be in a lead role on Broadway, finally able to pay the bills, and happy to come home to the love of my life. She disagreed. How could I not have realized that to many people--my family, my friends, my community, I'm famous. So many people know who I am, talk about me to their friends, are invested in keeping up with what I'm doing. No I'm not Matthew McConaughy, but I'm pretty famous...and getting more and more famous with each step of my journey.

What? That's crazy...and...true i guess...and what I want...right?

But what's the ultimate goal? To be as famous as Matthew McConaughy (or to use Chapplle's words, to "have the sneaker deal?") What's fame? What's success?

And fame comes with a price. Dave Chappelle left Hollywood (walked off the set of his own multi-million dollar TV show) because he didn't want to end up like Mariah Carey taking her clothes off on TRL or Martin Lawrence waving a gun around on the streets of LA. These were strong people, strong talented artists--driven to EXTREME places by the Hollywood machine. And who wants the details of their marriage/children plastered on every bullshit gossip magazine sold at every grocery store counter around the world?!

That's what I'm working so hard to be a part of? Hollywood, the movies--the all symbolic 'sneaker deal'. Why? Well, for starters it's the financial pinnacle for actors. The multi-million dollar film deal, the series regular on a Dick Wolf series... We would be able to have a family, and put our kids through college, buy nice things, and pursue our artistic ambitions without the fears and pressures of financial instability. But nowadays in order to land that film/TV deal you often have to be famous first. It's a catch 22 eh?

A big part of the journey, of life as any artist, is balancing artistic integrity with the real world's corporate expectations and demands. And that's what they don't teach you in school.

My hope is that all the work I've done and will continue to do for the rest of my life, uncovering and developing who I am as an artist, as a husband, as a brother, a son, a friend, a human being--will allow me to handle each step of this journey with humility, confidence and intelligence, and an originality that will allow me to achieve my goals/live my dreams with or without being "famous".

It's scary. As Chappelle put it, "once you go there, there's no goin' back. You can't become un-famous. You can become infamous, but you can't become un-famous."

He's right.